Dada: Chapter 10b

     At least he left the seat up.   That never happened once in college, even in our own suites.  It's a little thing. but when there are only guys around, one really should leave it up.  It just make sense.  Although I knew quite a few guys who would just use the sink instead, if just to save time and/or water.  Not me.  Never.  Well, once.  Or twice.
     I fill up the bottle to the top with extra water to help clear it out before dumping it into the toilet.  Then, I do it a second time, just to make sure everything is out before I get rid of the plastic bottle.  I then relieve myself, just to make sure I got everything out.  Using a bottle is just not the right angle for that sort of thing, especially when sitting down.  Then, I flush.  And put the seat down.  All those years living with just my mom drilled that into me.  Besides, Sam will probably need it in the morning.
     I look into the mirror as I wash up.  There I am, in its haggard unshaven glory.  Hardly any stubble.  Took me at least an extra three years before I started shaving.  There's a lighter hair or two mixed in.  I started seeing them when I was twenty-three.  There's a few on my head, too.  My mom joked at me when she saw the first ones.  Really made fun of me, how I was growing old.  She shouldn't have done that.  She shouldn't have done any of that.
    Why did she keep me away?  Running around for years to keep away form him.  Didn't even ask for money.  I needed him.  I still don't get shaving.  I've tried electric and cartridge, and I still can't get the hang of it.  My friends tried to teach me, but they were mostly gone by the time my beard came in.
    Hadn't thought of Jim for awhile now.  He was the first guy to really show me what it was to be a guy.  My other friends' fathers really weren't the type to help me out.  They didn't get too close, but Jim was there for me.  For a few months, then he all but ignored me.  Even when I was with his brother at their home.
   Then they left me.  I tried to get more friends, but I never found anyone who got me like they did.  Maybe I didn't let them try.  Maybe it's me who is broken.  Maybe I shouldn't have anyone else.
   I can't be a father to Sam.  I'm barely old enough to take care of myself.  All those people thinking her's my son today, yesterday.  I am not old enough to be his father.  I am not capable of being his father.  I am not going to be a father, ever.  I am just not going to be anything.
   My mom is right, Sam is not going to be my responsibility.  I can't be the only one who can help him.  I can't be the one who will take care of him.
    I had turned off the water, how long ago?  Staring at my reflection for minutes, maybe longer.  I used to do that all the time.  I really need to get back to bed.  I pick up the 'clean' bottle and unlock the door.  I open it slowly, just in case Sam is asleep.  I don't want to wake him up.
     I turn off the light, but I keep the bottle hidden behind my leg.  There's Sam, sleeping.  Peacefully?  I hope, after all he's been through, especially after I caught him.  The only time I ever got caught was by Jim, but that's another lifetime ago.
      The bed has grown cold since I went in.  I put the bottle on the floor, and try to go back to sleep.